Neither Can I
You said it with sincerity and even a touch of awe. “I could never do what you do.” The thing is, my friend, neither can I. I’m just me. A woman a couple of years from forty, doing my best to love my husband and raise our girls. I didn’t plan to be a missionary. I didn’t even want to be. It’s just something I grew into, or maybe it grew into me. But it’s certainly not a path I’ve chosen because I feel like I can handle it. Late the other night, I stood in a good friend’s kitchen, and she held me steady while I cried hot and ragged. “I can’t,” I told her. The weight of all the responsibilities, all the goodbyes, all the unknowns spilled out into the safety of that moment, and I knew it. I knew it deep. I can’t. It’s true. I’m not able to do what I have to do...
Read MoreThe Bigger Story
I’m tired today. It’s the kind of exhaustion that makes the mind numb and the bones ache. We’re on the road, seeing friends and family one last time, and some of the goodbyes we’re saying feel like funerals. It’s too much. Too much. I’m weak, weary, and completely overwhelmed. If it were just me, I might be tempted to just leave all this missions stuff behind. It’s hard, hard, hard, and we haven’t even left the country yet. But it’s not just me, or even just my family. This is bigger. Way bigger. It’s 120 teens in the highlands of Papua New Guinea. It’s missionary families needing pastoral care. It’s men, women, and children waiting for the Word of God in their own languages. It’s precious people saying, “We can’t go ourselves, but we can give.” It’s the...
Read MoreGrowing Smaller
“I realized I probably could have been famous.” My friend Julie sits across from me at a coffee house table. There isn’t a hint of bitterness, pride, or irony in her gentle voice. She’s right. She really could have been. I’ve known this woman for more than ten years, and every time I’ve seen her on stage, I have been mesmerized. Her voice is one of the most beautiful I’ve heard, and her stage presence is as graceful as it is vibrant. She is gorgeous, well-spoken, and about as talented as they come. The total package. Yes, she could have been widely known and celebrated, but she’s not. She doesn’t want to be. Because she has found her true calling – teaching preschool. Julie talks about music, and she smiles. Then she talks about the kids at work, and the smile...
Read MoreThe Lasts
I have a lump in my throat. A big ol’ fat lump. The kind that makes it hard to breathe, makes it hard to say what I need to say. Because what I need to say is the beginnings of goodbye. We still have seven months before our travel weary bodies land on the other side of the Pacific, but now, over the next couple of months, this is the season of lasts. The last graduation parties for students we’ve known since they were little kids. The last cook out with the high school leaders we’ve invested so much in, and who have invested so much in us. The last baccalaureate service, where Mike will speak and I will cry. The last crop of new sixth graders. Only we won’t be here to watch them bloom. It all sits like a beautiful, burning weight on my chest. A few...
Read MoreToo Much and Not Enought
I talk too much. My house is too chaotic. My kids are too wild, and I laugh too loud. I trust too easily. I cry too frequently. I eat too much sugar. I lose my temper too often, and I leave too many things half way done. I’m not strong enough. I don’t bite my tongue as often as I should. I don’t vacuum the stale Cheerios out of my car until they reach critical mass. I don’t always speak up when it’s needed. I’m not as patient with my kids as I should be, and I haven’t memorized enough Scripture. I am too much, and I am not enough. Really, a lot of the time I feel like a disorganized, impatient, emotionally charged mess. So what makes me think I can handle uprooting my family and making a life on a mission field half way across the world? I remember my mom...
Read MoreMoving On
I haven’t written for quite a while. There’s a reason for this. I’ve started writing four times, tried to write on four different subjects, but each time my thoughts circled back around to the one thing I couldn’t talk about publicly. Until now. We are moving to Papua New Guinea. If it all goes the way we are planning, at this time next year we will be a couple of weeks into the Pacific Orientation Course on the coast of PNG, preparing to spend the next few years serving missionary families through youth ministry and staff care in Ukarumpa. To those of you who know us, who have heard us talk about the month we recently spent in Ukarumpa, this news may not come as a surprise. But, for us, this shift of purpose and passion feels very sudden....
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